Nordstrom

There was a point in time when Kathryn was approximately 6, that FS would no longer take Kathryn shopping for clothes.  After all of these years, I remember the incident well.

Jeanne was a baby and I stayed home to watch her.  Mom and Kathryn went shopping for clothes for Kathryn.  Kathryn was about 6 and was a picky dresser.  Kathryn would not wear the clothes that Mom wanted her to wear – pink dresses, frilly outfits, etc.  So, Mom and Kathryn returned from shopping with nothing.  Mom announced to me that she will NEVER take Kathryn shopping again, which was pretty much true.

There was some crying and tension that day.

The next weekend, Kathryn and I headed to Nordstrom at South Coast Plaza.  I told Kathryn that we would walk through ever single department at Nordstrom and not buy anything.  All Kathryn had to do was look around and tell me what colors, patterns or other things she noticed that she liked.

We spent a couple of hours walking around, just looking.  It became very obvious that Kathryn preferred solid colors, simple geometric patterns, and comfort.  Although in the designer section, Kathryn did really like a beautiful silk suit by Mori.  The skirt and jacket were black with a blood red dot and a black blouse underneath.  It was beautiful.  I told Kathryn that she had mature taste and just needed to get older and she’d find wonderful clothes that fit her style.

After that excursion, Kathryn, Jeanne and I would regularly head to the girls department at Nordstrom.  We knew the department manager, Cheryl, by name and we’d always find something to wear.  We shopped together for years.  I can totally remember heading up the escalator with Jeanne in the stroller and holding Kathryn’s hand.  Daddy and his girls.

I even found the dress that Kathryn would wear to her National Charity League Presentation in May of 2003.  I had looked through bridal magazines at Paula’s (hair cuts) salon for approximately three years.  I also figured out how to get Jeanne an 8th graduation dress.  I selected four patterns at a fabric store and a group of sample fabrics for Jeanne to review.  She made her selection and then we went to a seamstress to get the dress made.

Also, I remember that day when FS said, she’d never take Kathryn shopping again.  I remember thinking that something was amiss and a tad weird.  FS couldn’t adjust to her young child’s need and when FS did not get her way, she’d no longer participate.  Her version of the silent treatment for Kathryn.  I remember at the time thinking that FS was wrong and too full of herself.  Kathryn was not her doll, Kathryn was her child and had a mind of her own.  Kathryn and I figured out an approach and did just fine buying clothes together.  Thankfully, Kathryn wore uniforms to school and that made life easier too.

Jeanne liked all clothes and we shopped together for ever.  Even Jeanne’s wedding dress was reviewed by me and I arranged for her to buy it when BHLDN was running out of her choice.

Ultimately, looking back to that time, it obvious that FS had issues, and those issues would reveal themselves in the coming years.  Also, looking back from that date, you can definitely see the issues developing.

More posts to come on insights and the pain of the silent treatment.

Christopher Matthew

John Maxwell on Forgiveness

Kathryn and Jeanne,

John Maxwell is an interesting man – a former minister, turned business author, turned life and business coach. He emails “A Minute with John Maxwell” almost every day. Today’s message is on Forgiveness and I think all four of us, me, Mom, and the two of you will benefit, if we reflect on his message and find a way to forgive each other.

I forgave Mom years ago, but I could no longer live the way life was. I hope you can forgive me. I hope and pray daily that Grandpa can forgive you. I hope I can forgive you for the way you treated Grandma and Grandpa when Grandma died.

I’m willing to try. I’m willing to receive you with open arms. I will always love you. What about you?

Below is a link to the Maxwell YouTube link…

https://youtu.be/cV0ESoYKTSQ

Christopher Matthew

30 Years Ago – Game 1, Kirk Gibson

Kathryn,

Today is the first game of the 2018 World Series – the Dodgers vs. the Red Sox.  30 years ago, in 1988 the first game of the World Series was played between the Dodger vs. the Athletics at Dodger Stadium.

Here’s the Wikipedia summary…

Kirk Gibson‘s 1988 World Series home run occurred in Game 1 of the 1988 World Series, on October 15, 1988, at Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles. Gibson, pinch hitting for the Los Angeles Dodgers in the bottom of the ninth inning, with injuries to both legs, hit a two-run walk-off home run off the Oakland Athletics‘ Dennis Eckersley that won Game 1 for the Dodgers by a score of 5–4.

After winning the National League West division, the Dodgers were considered the underdogs throughout the 1988 postseason, first to the New York Mets in the NLCS, then to the A’s in the World Series. Gibson, who was not expected to play due to injuries in both legs sustained during the NLCS, was surprisingly inserted as a pinch hitter with the Dodgers trailing 4–3 with two outs and the tying run at first base in the bottom of the ninth inning. Gibson’s home run—his only plate appearance of the series—helped the Dodgers defeat the A’s, 4 games to 1, securing their sixth World Series title.

And the YouTube replay with Vin Scully’s call

I remember the end of the game so very well.  Down by one with two outs, the walk gives the Dodgers the tying run on first.  Dramatically, Kirk Gibson comes out from behind the dugout and limps up to the plate.  He goes down 0 and 2 and then fouls off pitches, gets some balls and hits the wonderful, spine tingling walk off home run.  The Dodgers win the first game in dramatic fashion and go on to win the series.

As Gibson’s home run is soaring out of the park, I stand up and start screaming with joy.  The replay stills gives me tingles all over my body.  I scream so loud that I wake you up.  You’re four (Jeanne will be born in February) and in bed.  You come to the top of the stairs and ask in your sweet four year old voice – “Did the Dodgers win?”

I said yes and tell you to come down and watch.  You sat on my lap and we celebrated the wonderful victory.

You were always a Dodger fan.

I love you and remember your sweet voice, like it was yesterday.

An Interesting Quote from Dennis Prager

“Only when people remember the good others have done for them will they have gratitude. Unfortunately, most people remember the bad people have done to them far longer than the good. Or to put it another way, gratitude takes effort; resentment is effortless.” — Dennis Prager, Exodus: God, Slavery and Freedom (The Rational Bible) via Company of Prayer

 

Kathryn and Jeanne,

Although Dennis does not mention the word forgiveness or the word anger in his quote, I find that those words need to be considered too.  While “resentment is effortless”; anger requires energy and is a continuous negative influence in your daily life.  “Gratitude takes effort” because it needs to be acknowledged, appreciation is same.  I have gratitude (and appreciation) for Mom, because we (Mom and I) created you and we participated in raising two strong and smart young women.  Forgiveness is easy, because unlike anger, forgiveness requires no energy and lifts the soul.

Additionally, Dennis did not mention kindness and I refer you to an earlier posted quote, my favorite quote, by Aesop:

“No act of kindness, no matter how small is ever wasted”

I love you and miss you.

Christopher Matthew

When Did I First Become Really Aware of Something Being Askew in My Marriage?

We married in 1980, bought a house and started life.  In 1981 I started a new job at the firm I now own.  In 1982 we were pregnant with your brother, who was born on February 15, 1983 and died two days later on February 17, 1983.

Your maternal Grandfather, who your Mother did not speak with, died on September 24, 1983.  I answered the middle of the night call from your Uncle, was told the news and passed it along to your Mother.  She exclaimed “I haven’t talked with my Dad!”

Kathryn was born on August 21, 1984.  Jeanne was born on February 21, 1989.

Jeanne had successful heart surgery in October 1991, actually during the week of the Clarence Thomas hearings.

Life settled down to normal and the family roar of little girls having fun being little girls.  I love my daughters!!!

As the years moved along, the first few clues appeared.

First, which I’ll address in a later post, Mom no longer would take Kathryn (around 6 years old at the time) shopping for clothes.  Therefore, Kathryn, Jeanne and I would head to Nordstrom

Second, FS developed interesting ailments and issues.  Concern about bed lice caused us to drive to San Diego to see a special doctor.  Anxiety appeared.

Finally, We started attending Family Camp and there I saw a major warning sign.

At Family Camp, we lived in close quarters and spent nearly 16 hours a day together with the other families.  I had the opportunity to observe multiple happy couples and their children.  Everyone shared the same faith.  The couples or nearly all the couples would get together at night and chat about all kinds of interesting subjects.  FS would never participate, never wanted to chat in group.  We were not a normal couple.  The first few Family Camp experiences highlighted my other various observations, our marriage was different and not well.

As you may remember, at Family Camp, Thursday night was Reconciliation Night.  I like reconciliation and participated each year.  The second year, probably 1993 or 1994, I let everyone go in front of me, so I could spend as much time with Father Jim as possible.  I had the normal reconciliation chat with Father Jim and then I asked the key question that changed the direction of our marriage and all our lives.  The question I asked nearly 17 years before our marital separation in 2011 was – What do I need to do to get my wife to love me?

I’ll say more in a future post.

Choosing Words Wisely – A Meditation of Henri Nouwen 9/5/18

Words are very important. When we say to someone: “You are an ugly, useless, despicable person,” we might have ruined the possibility for a relationship with that person for life. Words can continue to do harm for many years.
It is so important to choose our words wisely. When we are boiling with anger and eager to throw bitter words at our opponents, it is better to remain silent. Words spoken in rage will make reconciliation very hard. Choosing life and not death, blessings and not curses often starts by choosing to remain silent or choosing carefully the words that open the way to healing.

Healing Letters – A Daily Meditation of Henri Nouwen, 9/4/18

When you write a very angry letter to a friend who has hurt you deeply, don’t send it! Let the letter sit on your table for a few days and read it over a number of times. Then ask yourself: “Will this letter bring life to me and my friend? Will it bring healing, will it bring a blessing?” You don’t have to ignore the fact that you are deeply hurt. You don’t have to hide from your friend that you feel offended. But you can respond in a way that makes healing and forgiveness possible and opens the door for new life. Rewrite the letter if you think it does not bring life, and send it with a prayer for your friend.

Henri Nouwen